Life as a Co-Parent Dad?

I have just started my new parenting life. I did understand that won’t be easy and I will make lots of mistakes. But I am still his Dad and that can never be taken away from me.

I am learning some very valuable lessons about fatherhood and how to stay sane while glueing the pieces of my life back together.

DROP-OFF DAY IS HARD.
REALLY HARD

Sometimes, I hate Sundays, I hated them because that’s the day my son leaves to go back to his mum.

“When you become a dad, you just take for granted that you wake up and your children are going to be there. Forget the finances or the property. Coming to terms with the realisation that there are now restrictions around when you can and can’t see your children – that was the single hardest thing to deal with. It hurts.

“I always noticed a definite dip in my mood on Sundays. In fact, I could feel it building up the day before, knowing that the next day, I’m going to have to give Vivaan back. Sometimes I’ve even noticed that I was getting a little bit short with him on the Sunday afternoon as we were getting ready to leave for the changeover. I suppose it’s the pressure of knowing what was going to happen.

“How am I learning to manage Wednesdays? Partly, it just gets easier with time, but I also have to be aware of the problem and be ready for it.

“Now I make sure I have a change of scenery that day – the apartment feels really quiet without the noise and energy of a 3.8-year-old. I work from home, but I might go into the city and work out of a café or catch up with a friend. I have to do something to break the habit of falling into a slump because it can be a difficult day.”

“When there are no kids involved and you have a break-up, essentially you just go your separate ways. You need space from that person to purge or get pissed off or do whatever you need to do. But if you’ve had a kid with someone, you realise: I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life dealing with this person. And I also have to show my son the right way to behave.

Letting it Go

Letting go is hard. It takes time. But it’s so refreshing when you finally do – it’s like a big sigh of relief. And otherwise, it just eats away at you.

“You quickly learn that there are different friends in your friendship groups. There are the genuine ones who’re actually happy to listen, and are actively there for you. Then there are the others that just feel the need to push their views and advice on you or just want to know your misery. I have build up my network support and chose people that really understand me.

“And it’ll surprise you which people are truly there for you and which aren’t. I have a couple of old friends that I’ve known for ages. After the break-up, one of them immediately said: ‘If you and Vivaan ever need to stay at our place, there’s always somewhere here for you.’ The other one? Let’s forget & move on.

“But you need to find people to talk to. It might just be one person, it might a family member – whoever you feel comfortable with. Because you can’t do it on your own. You’re going to need some help and support.

“I actually spoke to a psychologist, too. It was scary and weird and foreign when you’re doing that for the first time. It’s a big conversation. But it’ll help you get through stuff. And sometimes it’s better to talk to someone who doesn’t know you and won’t just go: “Nah, it’s okay – you’re alright. She’s a wrong…’ Sometimes it’s better to speak to someone who goes: ‘Maybe you need to think about how you handled that. And it’s ok that it hurts’.”

Learn From My Little One..

I have learnt plenty of experiences from Vivaan. He is more of like me in thinking & execution. He taught me patience and the most important lesson of my life that people need love rather than materialistic stuff. Vivaan did bring me back to the basics of life.

“When you become a single dad, you possibly think about fatherhood more. Because you’re not with your child all the time, it suddenly becomes about making the most of your time together.

“I think a lot about creating ‘moments’ with Vivaan. So a moment might just be taking a bushwalk together and trying to spot whales off the coast. It might be going snorkelling in Gold Coast. Or it might be cooking his favourite meal followed by watching David Attenborough on TV. It’s just about going; “Well I’m with you, let’s just create something that’s memorable and fun together.”

“You appreciate little things too. When I separated, Vivaan started wanting to sleep in my bed again for a while. He wants the warmth of parent and feels secure himself while sleeping in same bed with lots of questions while reading bedtime stories, But I’d wake up in the morning with him lying there and go: ‘This won’t last forever, and this is an amazing moment.’”

Take It Easy..

I have since turned to Parentline Qld and has been receiving counselling regarding positive parenting.

“You can get into dark spots. But no matter how bad your situation, no matter how much you of a failure you might think you are, your Son still see you as their dad. That is a starting point. It’s a chance to turn your life around and be the best dad you can be.

“It might take time. And you might not be able to see your kids as much as other dads because of your circumstances. But you can work on that over time.

“When it comes to parenting, let alone single parenting you’re not perfect. So just when you think you know everything, when you think you’ve got it under control, you realise that no, you don’t. You learn that a lot as a single dad.

“Every week there’ll be something that you forget. His food diet plans. Or his favourite toys. Or soccer gear. Sometimes you can fix it and sometimes you can’t. That sort of thing can feed into a sense of failure.

“You have to learn not to beat yourself up. Pat yourself on the back and say ‘You know what, I got through today. I did okay. My Son still loves me, I love him. There are a shit-load of worse off places in the world right now.’”