DEAR Son, Vivaan,
It has been the month since I held you but there are some things, I want you to know.
From the moment I knew you were coming to this world, I changed as a person. My stomach fluttered and I talked to you when you were growing in your mum’s tummy.
I hardly slept in the weeks before you arrived, I was so excited. I cried when you were born. It was, by far, the happiest moment of my life.
It was a bit surreal just before you were growing and preparing yourself with the world because I knew then that you were going to be taken, but my respect to law and dignity could not stop your mum. I knew the breakup was coming and there was some depression hitting me in waves.
Today, I want to remind you who you are to me. You are my masterpiece. I created you before the beginning of the world to accomplish great things for me. I put you together in your mother’s womb before your earthly parents even knew you existed, and I predestined your days on earth. You were created in my image, and I know every hair on your head. I know your thoughts. I know your feelings. I know your fears, and I know your dreams. There is nowhere you can go that I am not there. I will never leave you. I will always be there for you.
You see. I created you to be in a relationship with me – an everlasting never-ending relationship, and I made a way for that to happen despite the fact that people rebelled against me. My love does not decrease with time – I have always loved you as much as I do today, and I always will. My love does not depend on how you act – far from it. Your deeds, and the deeds of everyone you know deserve judgment, yet I love you enough to make another way. It is a way where I paid the full price for your sins so that we can be together. That’s how much I love you. I have written letters to you every 8th Aug of months since 8th Aug 2015 and created our relationship snapshot and your naughty adventures that I felt how you are getting older every month. I will share with you those letters when you are enough older and seat to gather on a coffee date with me.
When you are down, I will lift you up on wings like eagles. When you are angry, I will fill your heart with my joy. When you are hurt, I am a great physician who can heal you. I will stand up for you when everyone else in your life seems to abandon you. In your world, people will disappoint you and let you down, but I never will.
You know, there are times when I look at you and I know that when you get older you are going to ask me what happened with our family.
Life doesn’t often have happy endings as we read in books. I wish it did, but there’s no point in pretending life is something it’s not.
The last couple of months were very tough. The police were called a couple of times when you were present. It was all very distressing and stressful; I didn’t want that for you.
So now that you’ve growing each and knowing world slowly, you will have asked me about what happened between us. Each time, I will tell you when you’re older. When you’re old enough to drive; when you’re old enough to drink. Well, I’m sorry; I still don’t think the time is right for you to know the details. One of the things I have always done is honoured you with all respect and my life, I guess intervened with yours. Our problems remain our problems, and this is something that you will need to learn to accept over time. When we are peers and you have been married, had a child, created a career, and carved your place in life then we can talk about this. As corny as it sounds, you still have too much to learn and experience. It’s simply not the right time, and I hope you can understand.
A good relationship will enhance your life. It will give you insight into aspects of yourself that hide from the world and empower you to achieve more. The flip side of that is that a bad relationship will limit you; it will whittle you down to a sliver of yourself. Given who you are, you will know when things are right and when you have a good thing going. Remember that relationships don’t define you. They don’t determine who you are. They describe where we are in life and demonstrate what we value. It’s ok for this to change over time, and when it changes its ok to recognize, accept it, and move on. If you find that your relationships define you, then maybe you have forgotten who you are. Don’t let that happen.
Nothing is more important than loving, respecting, and nurturing yourself. If you don’t love yourself, no one will love you back. If you do not respect yourself, people will not respect you. If you do not nurture yourself, you will not learn, grow, or evolve. I feel that these three things are keys to the living; I didn’t learn this until my 30’s. Hopefully, you have learned it already.
My darling Son, I want you to know how hard I’ve been trying.
Your mum decided that I would only call you for 30 minutes each Tuesday & Thursday and I am considered as dangerous to you for the unsupervised visit where we have both spent last 2 years as a best father-son relationship. I have called you with your many names but now I think I am stuck with ‘MoonPie” and I would be calling until gets old. You are my sweetest “Moonpie” and you are nummy-nummy. I could see you my childhood mirror in you and your smartness and eagerness to learn new kinds of stuff. Right now, I am staying stronger by looking at your funny and smart acts videos. You always smart for your daddy and more like team member when we were working on something together and you always say ‘Daddy. I’m Bob the builder, I can fix it.’ I wish you could fix this situation. I am sorry that you had to take away from your daycare and you must be missing your best friends Josh, Sienna, Miss Miki, Adrian, Joanna & Mr Kris. I know you must be missing visiting K-mart for new toys and your favourite Macqueen & Thomas the train.
I went to court and applied for parenting order so I can share my life with you in fair father view.
I have got a lawyer and we went to court. I guess the system doesn’t help dads who are desperate to see their children.
There was so much anger directed at me, but you know that your dad is the cool dude and I will fight for truth, I will fight in the law of court for you to know the truth. I’ve written to you every day myself since 11th Dec 2018 and store each day letters that someday you would read and understand, and I want you to know that there isn’t a single day that passes when I don’t think about you. You’re on my mind when I brush my teeth in the morning, I daydream about the day I’ll put my arms around you again.
Never, ever feel unloved.
One day you and I will sit down and talk about the system. We’ll talk about how broken it is and how, no matter how much you end up loathing your partner, you must try to do the right thing for your children. There’s so much for us to talk about when you’re older.
Don’t ever think I didn’t try to meet you, because I did.
You are my precious son and I will always be here for you.
I’m working as hard as I can. I’m saving money. It’s money that opens doors. I will be going to court and I’m going to fight to see you soon.
I can’t wait to hug you, to kiss you on the forehead as I wish you a good night. One day we’ll curl up together on the lounge and watch movies, we’ll run around in the park, we can even go surfing if you like. I want to see the world with you and all adventures camping, backpacking, bushwalking- Ozzy adventure to gather.
For now, I have to be patient.
For now, I have to wait and save.
Sometimes I feel angry that no one will help, but I know it doesn’t do any good. There is a conversation that needs to be had about this broken system. We’ll have it one day as we walk through the park.
Until then I have to keep hoping. I have to be patient and I have to trust that we’ll get there in the end.”
I hope you must be doing better over the undisclosed location that this system thinks that dangerous of me to visit you.
I hope you are happy throughout your life of 3 years 6 months and always know that daddy is here for you no matter what happens. I promise you I will not stop fighting for your right to have me by your side whenever you need me.
I must apologise for all you’re the inconvenience, and disturbance caused by your adult mom-dad.
I am going to start the blog for you and me and our relationship moments and redefine our life together as you are seeing me as your proud and dignify father.
Will always be fighting for you,
Vivaan, you have always been the greatest gift my life has experienced. I am honoured to be your father and hope you understand the things I am talking about in this letter. I will always be here for you.
In these troubling times, lean on me – I am a rock that never shifts. In these times of change, rely on me – I am the same yesterday, today and forever. In these times of heartache, put your trust in me – I made your heart and I know how to make it new again. You are altogether wonderful because I have made you.
I am very happy to know that your mum’s lawyer has discovered that within one month of the period you have learnt geography (locations), learnt two languages (you didn’t know our native language ‘Gujarati” before), also you have learnt how to talk on the mobile phone for straight 30 minutes.
The Dad who love you very very much
Raj Gohil